Aquarius

Until you can name all fifty states out loud, your opinion on the state of the union (both nationally and what is holding you together personally) means squat. In reality, you hold the key that could turn yourself and this country around and make everybody interlock arms and sing "Happy Days Are Here Again," but you are going to have to delve really deep, and no way are you ready for that. For now, you are lucky if you can bring yourself to deal with fiction, let alone real life, so as The King of Cartoons so regally proclaims, "Let the cartoon...begin." You're in it, and you're being chased by a coyote.

Pisces

You know that that recurring feeling you have of turning the corner in Dealy Plaza in a huge black convertible, on a way to a lunch that you will never wind up attending? Well, the answer is simple if you can just wrap your mind around it symbolically: get out of the car! Get out of the car! Duck for cover, at least metaphorically. Everybody will still grieve for you and turn you into legend, but at least you'll live to see it.

Leo

It's Limbo Time, and that is meant only in the most dreaded sense. How low can you go? Are you going to finally look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself this question? Your yin and your yang are holding the limbo bar, and they show no mercy as they lower it. You arch your back and laugh it off, but inside, forget about it. It's that very protective thick skin of yours that allows you to be so nimble and quick. Still, the dilemma remains as you limbo under limbo stick, mon. On a more optimistic note: with the full moon, there's a limbo moon above; you will fall in limbo love.

Virgo

Keep at it, and you will be the only one in the classroom not to receive a Valentine's Day card. This will be considered an oversight by everyone but you, so now is the time to make your amends (not in February). And while we're discussing holidays, your Little Cindy Lou Who sensibility is starting to grate on everyone's nerves. Stop asking questions, even if you really want to know. It's hard for you, but play dumb.

Scorpio

How many hot wings are you going to eat before you call it a night? And don't look at your buddies; they're not going to help you at three a.m. when it's just you and your stomach -- and your conscience. You're on fire without the wings, don't you get it? Your friends know, even when they're not around once the burning (and the yearning) set in. You need to learn the pitfalls of "all you can eat." Until then, another round, and don't feel sorry for yourself if you're not going to throw down your greasy napkin and ask for the check.

Libra

How many times are you going to spin the big wheel on The Price Is Right, coming up one space short of the big dollar? Not that you can't make do out of that five cents, because you have that incredible practicality and tireless frugality that ultimately exhausts you as much as those around you admire you for it. But for once, you would love to strike the motherlode, and graduate to The Big Showcase. You'll fight the urge to jump excitedly before the entire nation on daytime network television. You would never show this much raw emotion, because winning the Broyhill living room is way too important to you, and once again, that's your downfall. Here we go again. Do you ever get tired of this endless spinning? Maybe someday you'll have the guts to not greedily pass on that first showcase for the second one.

Gemini

What's with the attitude? Why are you gunning for an Oscar, when the Grammy voters are writing you in feverishly? You'd better start singing and stop acting. You know that the diva agenda does not become you, so get out of the limo. That doesn't mean you can't walk the red carpet.