Aquarius

Until you can name all fifty states out loud, your opinion on the state of the union (both nationally and what is holding you together personally) means squat. In reality, you hold the key that could turn yourself and this country around and make everybody interlock arms and sing "Happy Days Are Here Again," but you are going to have to delve really deep, and no way are you ready for that. For now, you are lucky if you can bring yourself to deal with fiction, let alone real life, so as The King of Cartoons so regally proclaims, "Let the cartoon...begin." You're in it, and you're being chased by a coyote.

Pisces

You know that that recurring feeling you have of turning the corner in Dealy Plaza in a huge black convertible, on a way to a lunch that you will never wind up attending? Well, the answer is simple if you can just wrap your mind around it symbolically: get out of the car! Get out of the car! Duck for cover, at least metaphorically. Everybody will still grieve for you and turn you into legend, but at least you'll live to see it.

Leo

It's Limbo Time, and that is meant only in the most dreaded sense. How low can you go? Are you going to finally look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself this question? Your yin and your yang are holding the limbo bar, and they show no mercy as they lower it. You arch your back and laugh it off, but inside, forget about it. It's that very protective thick skin of yours that allows you to be so nimble and quick. Still, the dilemma remains as you limbo under limbo stick, mon. On a more optimistic note: with the full moon, there's a limbo moon above; you will fall in limbo love.

Virgo

Keep at it, and you will be the only one in the classroom not to receive a Valentine's Day card. This will be considered an oversight by everyone but you, so now is the time to make your amends (not in February). And while we're discussing holidays, your Little Cindy Lou Who sensibility is starting to grate on everyone's nerves. Stop asking questions, even if you really want to know. It's hard for you, but play dumb.

Scorpio

How many hot wings are you going to eat before you call it a night? And don't look at your buddies; they're not going to help you at three a.m. when it's just you and your stomach -- and your conscience. You're on fire without the wings, don't you get it? Your friends know, even when they're not around once the burning (and the yearning) set in. You need to learn the pitfalls of "all you can eat." Until then, another round, and don't feel sorry for yourself if you're not going to throw down your greasy napkin and ask for the check.

Libra

How many times are you going to spin the big wheel on The Price Is Right, coming up one space short of the big dollar? Not that you can't make do out of that five cents, because you have that incredible practicality and tireless frugality that ultimately exhausts you as much as those around you admire you for it. But for once, you would love to strike the motherlode, and graduate to The Big Showcase. You'll fight the urge to jump excitedly before the entire nation on daytime network television. You would never show this much raw emotion, because winning the Broyhill living room is way too important to you, and once again, that's your downfall. Here we go again. Do you ever get tired of this endless spinning? Maybe someday you'll have the guts to not greedily pass on that first showcase for the second one.

Gemini

What's with the attitude? Why are you gunning for an Oscar, when the Grammy voters are writing you in feverishly? You'd better start singing and stop acting. You know that the diva agenda does not become you, so get out of the limo. That doesn't mean you can't walk the red carpet.

Aries

The feeling of a deep kiss without kissing is possible, even for you, but only when Mars is in retrograde. You want this experience more than the kiss itself. You know you would always trade in the spiritual for the material, even if you have to be the highest bidder on Ebay just to win it. The very trash talk you look down upon is the very stuff you crave, but even you don't realize it, which is so typical of you. But good for you for keeping your mouth shut. How long will this last before you break down and open wide for that kiss?

Sagittarius

Stop it, stop it! You are killing yourself with that. If you won't listen to reason, which is so you to the max because you consider yourself reasonable, listen to that tiny voice that you can only hear when your mind is very, very quiet, which is almost never. However, make an exception with this one. Lie in the dark and ask yourself. Wait for the answer. It will come, even though you never believe that your mind can become that tranquil. In this case, it's the only way. You're a freakin' Ghandi, if only you can be a librarian first and "shhh" those persistent thoughts.

Cancer

You know that dream where you are the only one in the room naked, or you haven't studied for the most important test you will ever take? These will all come true, but only metaphorically. Take note, however, that you will begin to dream some new, less cliched subject matter under the next full moon. Write these dreams down, even though the notion of a pad and paper sickens you because it's not modern enough. Well, too bad.

Aquarius

Cat got your tongue? Like that would ever happen. However, you still need to watch your tongue, even if it strains your eyeballs. Your lack of a stop sign in your brain could cause heartache in someone other than a loved one. That other, though not considered to be loved by you, actually is loved by you -- just you, and nobody else but you. Ain't that a kick in the head?

Taurus

Of course you'll never admit it, but you're at last tired of being Florence Nightingale, selflessly attending to the helpless and the weak, who are limping in from the battlefield and dirtying up your pretty little petticoats. Since you'll conceal your resentment of the role you're playing, you'll need to admit, at least to yourself, the need to climb up onto the roof in your pajamas and scream your lungs out. Of course, you would never do this because the neighbors would see, and therein lies your problemo. Are you starting to see where the adjustments need to be made? If not, wait until the next quarter moon, if you can deal with your own impatience. Of course, that will never happen, so it's back to "stick out your tongue and say, 'ah," Florence.